What If?

I think I play the "what if?" game too much.

What if I'm studying the wrong thing in school? What if I still lived in Chicago? What if I wasn't Catholic? What if I didn't date the last guy that I did? What if I did date the last guy I was planning/wanting to? What if I had continued playing soccer instead of switching to basketball? What if I'm not called to be a mother? What if I'm a bad mother? What if I looked different? What if I weighed less? What if I had never met my best friends? What if I had tried harder to keep all the best friends I had in high school? What if I don't get a job after I graduate? What if I went to a different college? What if I get in a car accident tomorrow? I could go on forever... literally.

I was pondering some of these questions as I was driving around today with a five year old in the back seat. She was sleeping, and though she looked a little uncomfortable, she looked content. She trusted me as a driver, that I would make good decisions as I transported her from one place to another. She trusted me as a person, her babysitter, to keep her out of harm. She trusts me as a friend, someone to look up to.

I imagined myself sitting in the back seat of a car that God was driving. We were traveling down a road, the path of my life. In the rear view mirror were things from my past, birthdays and camps and lots of good memories. Out the window was my family, my friends, my school, my church: the present. As He drove, there were signs for things coming up in my life: Covecrest, Tiger Awakening 52, football season. There was a map in the passenger's seat. I couldn't see where we were going, but I was clearly along for the ride. I was the passenger in the back seat, completely trusting the One who was driving.

This metaphor has resonated with me, being content in the back seat while God takes control. He knows where I'm going, who I'm going to meet, and what I'm going to accomplish; these are things I don't know. And I need to be okay with that. I've always kind of known, but not really wanted to admit, that I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to know what's going on, who's doing what, and why. It's hard for me to completely trust that my life is going to work out according to plan. That is, His plan. The other thing that I struggle with is the fact that things aren't always going to go my way. I found that out last summer when I wasn't selected to be on Summer Staff at camp, this spring when someone didn't want to date me, and I'm 100% certain it will happen again in the future. I have to keep reminding myself that there are reasons for all of these things. They are the factors that are shaping me for things in the future, that I don't know about. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. This has always been my favorite saying.

If I had never moved to Houston, I probably wouldn't have gotten involved in Life Teen, gone to Covecrest, and met some pretty awesome people. I probably wouldn't be at LSU right now and completely in love with it. If I hadn't played basketball, I wouldn't have learned some of the lessons I did from my amazing coach or gotten to know my teammates... Everything happens for a reason. Each choice I make in life, or outcomes in situations I have no control over, happen because that's how God planned. Even though I may not be comfortable with it now, He is in control. Maybe one day I'll understand why I had to hurt so much. Maybe I won't. But I know that as I continue to grow and eventually get old, I will be the person I am because of all these little things that are happening to me now. I may continue to wonder "what if"..., but I will stop asking why, because I already know: HE IS IN CONTROL.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' " -Jeremiah 29:11