Positive Procrastination: Pushing Too Hard

While I was in Baton Rouge, I:

- noticed how aggressive a driver I am

- discovered how enjoyable driving with no music can be, but that when I did have the radio on, the same few songs were played over and over and OVER. *cough* Alejandro *cough*

- realized that my fear of 18 wheelers is not nonsense; I almost got in 2 accidents with them

- was introduced to geocashing, and will be bringing it to my friends in Houston soon

- had lovely impromptu photo shoots while walking around campus

- witnessed how funny and creative my friends are, both with their musical talents and their hilarious answers to Loaded Questions

- saw people who are beautiful and collected on the outside that are being torn apart on the inside

- talked seriously about my future, and all the worries and dreams I have for it

- had girl talk until 3 AM with a pretty amazing friend

- dreamed that I lived with 3 of my best friends, and then was proposed to

- discovered some repressed feelings about boys/family/people

- realized that I enjoy the feeling of being wanted

I mean that last point in the most un-vain way possible, even though I know it sounds bad. But when I got back in town, I had a lot of people tell me they were happy to see me and how excited they were that I was in for the weekend. That made me feel very loved. And I love that about my friends, how close we all are, and how much we enjoy spending time together. It was such a needed visit before I go away to camp in TEN DAYS :)

Speaking of camp, the other night my mother and I went shopping for some of the things I needed. In the car, we had a very unexpected heart to heart. Some of you who read this will know exactly who/what I'm about to talk about, and others won't, but that's okay. Every summer since I can remember, my home parish has held a week-long Junior High Day Camp (JHDC). I have been involved in it for years, as a junior high camper, a high school summer staff, or last year as a... I'm not exactly sure what, but I helped plan and run the week with two of my best friends. JHDC 2010 was held last week, and for the first time, I had no part in it. One of the two girls who helped me run it last year ran the whole thing this year... literally, in it's entirety. Our new youth minister was getting married, and without Missy (I just made up that nick name), there would have been no day camp this summer. I haven't gotten to talk t oher much about it, but from what my sister (on summer staff) and some of the middle schoolers have said, it was AMAZING. I kept hearing how God was moving in the teens, and all the jokes and skits and activities that I was missing. Now don't get me wrong, I was so happy that the week was going well, that all these kids were experiencing God, and proud of all that Missy was doing. I couldn't put my feelings into words though, until I was talking to mom. I was feeling left out, and a little bit jealous. Not of the fact that she was doing something that I wanted to do, but just that I wanted to be doing it with her. I love being a part of my church, volunteering, and spending time with the high school and middle schoolers. The fact that this whole camp was going on and I had absolutely no part in it made me sad at first, and then mad, and then I just didn't even care. I think the latter was the worst feeling. I started wondering if I could have done what Missy did, coordinating, organizing adn running the entire week so successfully. Because of her, a lot of those kids' lives were changed. Could that have been me? I was jealous of her accomplishment. I was being attacked by the devil, and didn't even realize it. He was using one of my best friends to make me question my strenghts and abilities and self-worth. Mom helped me realize that, in my own way, I had already done the things that Missy was doing. Not to undermine her accomplishments in any way; she did an amazing job with JHDC;. I'ts just that my past accomplishments were clouded by the action she was taking right then. I had forgotten that I have been leading retreats for 2 years now at LSU, and helped plan a very successful Tiger Awakening, and am in the process of Coordinating another one for the fall. I have given talks before, and lead activities with younger kids. I have been helping and loving people for as long as I can remember, and that's what Missy was doing that week, simply loving on those kids. It's exactly what they needed, and now that I think about it, probably something that she needed, too, as she prepares for her own mission this summer.

As most of you know, I'm getting ready to spend six weeks in the mountains of Georgia, ministering to EDGE and Life Teen students from across the nation at a Catholic camp called Covecrest. I couldn't be more excited. As of recently though, I've been getting very nervous. Our staff has been sending e-mails to each other, kind of "getting to know you" things. We've also been encouraging each other, and praying for each other. I promise you, that is what's making the difference in my attitude right now, why I'm standing confident in myself rather than cowering in fear and thinking I'm not good enough. These people believe in me, and most of them haven't even met me yet. I realized the reason I was questioning all these things that Missy was doing is because I had been nervous about camp. Will I say the right thing? Will I do the right thing? Will I be able to abandon my self-consciousness and do whatever it takes to help these teens become closer to Christ? That is what I want. That is what I hope to do. And with God and these other staffers, that is what I know will happen. My worries are trying to wear me down and make me doubt; I am actively choosing now to stop them. I have been chosen for this mission because I have been given the tools to be successful at it. I have been asked to be a part of this journey, to live in community with these other college students, and to serve these middle school and high school students to the best of my ability. I am not setting any expectations. I know people who have been on staff before, and people who are there right now; they've told me stories of how great everything is. I know our experience there will be amazing, too. By not setting expectations or standards, I am leaving room for God to work in all areas necessary to make this journey the most successful for me personally as well as for His Kingdom.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense. It's kind of all over, but that's where my thoughts have been the past few weeks in trying to prepare for camp both materially and spiritually. Please pray for me, my fellow summer staffers, and the campers, and be assured of my prayers for you! The reason I started this blog in the first place was to be able to share some of my experiences with whoever would like to read them, so I will try and update as much as possible once I get there.

Peace & Prayers,

Nemo

p.s. For any of you who have not heard of Covecrest, here are a few pictures:

This must have been taken in the morning, with the fog hovering over the pond