DEUS CARITAS EST

Two men have helped me make a very important discovery about my faith life in the past week. One of them I am very close to, the other I have never met personally.

This past Sunday was the 12th Sunday in Ordinary Time. The priest celebrating mass, who I have never met personally, started his homily explaining that "ordinary" didn't necessarily mean "plain". Having just recently celebrated Easter, the Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood, The Solemnity of the Trinity, The Ascension, Pentecost... these next few weeks are going to seem "ordinary". But God can turn the ordinary into extraordinary. I've heard a talk on ordinary people doing extraordinary things before; I thought this was merely going to be another one of those. But he continued to relate it to the gospel, which was from chapter 9 of the book of Luke. The ending was this:

"Then he said to all, 'If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it,but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.' " -Luke 9:23-24

Take up his cross. Daily. It is every day that we are called to follow Christ. Not only when things seem hard and we need His help. Not only when we are praising Him for all the blessings we've been given, but every. single. day. These "ordinary" days, when we don't feel anything special, we are still called to follow Christ.

This is where my other revelation comes in. A few years ago, the theme of the Life Teen camp I went to was Deus Caritas Est. Love: More than a feeling. I was talking to a good friend of mine about camp the other day, and how excited I was to be going back. He said he missed camp, because of the atmosphere and the feeling he had when he was there. My response was "yeah, the atmosphere is great because it nurtures the good feelings. the hard part is leaving camp, when you don't have the atmosphere and sometimes you don't even have the feeling, but you still have to do whatever it is that God's calling you to do." I continued to explain that our relationship with God is based on faith, not a feeling. Even when we don't "feel" like He cares or when something is going badly, He's still there, loving us. Our faith is still present, even when the feeling is not.

The priest continued his homily about the choices we have to make daily, whether we "feel" like it or not, in order to grow closer to Christ. Deus Caritas Est is Latin for God is Love. Love, aka God, is more than a feeling. This was super encouraging to me, especially as I try to prepare myself for what the next 6 weeks at Covecrest have in store for me. God is blessing my life abundantly, and I know He is guiding me. Just because I don't necessarily feel His presence at every moment doesn't mean I'm not right where I'm supposed to be, with Him right there with me.

Please continue to pray for me, my fellow summer staffers, and all the teens we are going to come in contact with. I'll definitely be praying for all of you!

Peace & Prayers,

Nemo

I'm surprised I could keep this post relatively short :)

Be Satisfied

This is something I have heard before, multiple times. The most recent was at Buckeye Awakening in May (thanks, Katie!). I was going through my Tiger Awakening binder this morning and found it, and for some reason it really hit me. I guess I've been thinking a lot about my relationships with guys, and friends in general, and with Christ. I really am trying my best to focus on God in all aspects of my life, but I tend to stray a little bit sometimes. I think we all do.

Be Satisfied

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another- to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But, to a Christian, God says no- not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, exclusive of any other desires or longings.

So, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, and one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best; please allow Me to give it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things; Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I promise and mean.

Be patient - that's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look at the things other people have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love more wonderful than anything you could ever dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, and I am working at this very moment to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both exclusively satisfied with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your perfect relationship with Me - a perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly:

For I Am God.

A lot of my friends have their own blogs. One of them recently posted on the topic of love, and since God is Love, she asked if people who don't believe in/know God can really be "in love."

One person's response was: "Love is the most beautiful, rewarding, and self-sacrificial thing you can have with another person. With a connection like that, why does there have to be a middle man?" And in response to that, another person wrote: "I think that each person in the relationship is the middleman, the conduit through which God and the other person express their love for each other."

oh. my. gosh. This answer made so much sense to me, and made the whole "being satisfied in God" thing make more sense. I need to be completely content with my relationship with God before I can be in a relationship with someone else, because when I do enter into a relationship, that is me & God showing love to one another through this other person. God will be blessing me with someone to care for me physically and emotionally, and I in turn will be using the relationship to glorify Him and help build up His kingdom.

Sigh. I love this blog; writing my thoughts out and re-reading them is really helping me stay sane.

Peace & Prayers,

Nemo

Pushing Too Hard

While I was in Baton Rouge, I:

- noticed how aggressive a driver I am

- discovered how enjoyable driving with no music can be, but that when I did have the radio on, the same few songs were played over and over and OVER. *cough* Alejandro *cough*

- realized that my fear of 18 wheelers is not nonsense; I almost got in 2 accidents with them

- was introduced to geocashing, and will be bringing it to my friends in Houston soon

- had lovely impromptu photo shoots while walking around campus

- witnessed how funny and creative my friends are, both with their musical talents and their hilarious answers to Loaded Questions

- saw people who are beautiful and collected on the outside that are being torn apart on the inside

- talked seriously about my future, and all the worries and dreams I have for it

- had girl talk until 3 AM with a pretty amazing friend

- dreamed that I lived with 3 of my best friends, and then was proposed to

- discovered some repressed feelings about boys/family/people

- realized that I enjoy the feeling of being wanted

I mean that last point in the most un-vain way possible, even though I know it sounds bad. But when I got back in town, I had a lot of people tell me they were happy to see me and how excited they were that I was in for the weekend. That made me feel very loved. And I love that about my friends, how close we all are, and how much we enjoy spending time together. It was such a needed visit before I go away to camp in TEN DAYS :)

Speaking of camp, the other night my mother and I went shopping for some of the things I needed. In the car, we had a very unexpected heart to heart. Some of you who read this will know exactly who/what I'm about to talk about, and others won't, but that's okay. Every summer since I can remember, my home parish has held a week-long Junior High Day Camp (JHDC). I have been involved in it for years, as a junior high camper, a high school summer staff, or last year as a... I'm not exactly sure what, but I helped plan and run the week with two of my best friends. JHDC 2010 was held last week, and for the first time, I had no part in it. One of the two girls who helped me run it last year ran the whole thing this year... literally, in it's entirety. Our new youth minister was getting married, and without Missy (I just made up that nick name), there would have been no day camp this summer. I haven't gotten to talk t oher much about it, but from what my sister (on summer staff) and some of the middle schoolers have said, it was AMAZING. I kept hearing how God was moving in the teens, and all the jokes and skits and activities that I was missing. Now don't get me wrong, I was so happy that the week was going well, that all these kids were experiencing God, and proud of all that Missy was doing. I couldn't put my feelings into words though, until I was talking to mom. I was feeling left out, and a little bit jealous. Not of the fact that she was doing something that I wanted to do, but just that I wanted to be doing it with her. I love being a part of my church, volunteering, and spending time with the high school and middle schoolers. The fact that this whole camp was going on and I had absolutely no part in it made me sad at first, and then mad, and then I just didn't even care. I think the latter was the worst feeling. I started wondering if I could have done what Missy did, coordinating, organizing adn running the entire week so successfully. Because of her, a lot of those kids' lives were changed. Could that have been me? I was jealous of her accomplishment. I was being attacked by the devil, and didn't even realize it. He was using one of my best friends to make me question my strenghts and abilities and self-worth. Mom helped me realize that, in my own way, I had already done the things that Missy was doing. Not to undermine her accomplishments in any way; she did an amazing job with JHDC;. I'ts just that my past accomplishments were clouded by the action she was taking right then. I had forgotten that I have been leading retreats for 2 years now at LSU, and helped plan a very successful Tiger Awakening, and am in the process of Coordinating another one for the fall. I have given talks before, and lead activities with younger kids. I have been helping and loving people for as long as I can remember, and that's what Missy was doing that week, simply loving on those kids. It's exactly what they needed, and now that I think about it, probably something that she needed, too, as she prepares for her own mission this summer.

As most of you know, I'm getting ready to spend six weeks in the mountains of Georgia, ministering to EDGE and Life Teen students from across the nation at a Catholic camp called Covecrest. I couldn't be more excited. As of recently though, I've been getting very nervous. Our staff has been sending e-mails to each other, kind of "getting to know you" things. We've also been encouraging each other, and praying for each other. I promise you, that is what's making the difference in my attitude right now, why I'm standing confident in myself rather than cowering in fear and thinking I'm not good enough. These people believe in me, and most of them haven't even met me yet. I realized the reason I was questioning all these things that Missy was doing is because I had been nervous about camp. Will I say the right thing? Will I do the right thing? Will I be able to abandon my self-consciousness and do whatever it takes to help these teens become closer to Christ? That is what I want. That is what I hope to do. And with God and these other staffers, that is what I know will happen. My worries are trying to wear me down and make me doubt; I am actively choosing now to stop them. I have been chosen for this mission because I have been given the tools to be successful at it. I have been asked to be a part of this journey, to live in community with these other college students, and to serve these middle school and high school students to the best of my ability. I am not setting any expectations. I know people who have been on staff before, and people who are there right now; they've told me stories of how great everything is. I know our experience there will be amazing, too. By not setting expectations or standards, I am leaving room for God to work in all areas necessary to make this journey the most successful for me personally as well as for His Kingdom.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense. It's kind of all over, but that's where my thoughts have been the past few weeks in trying to prepare for camp both materially and spiritually. Please pray for me, my fellow summer staffers, and the campers, and be assured of my prayers for you! The reason I started this blog in the first place was to be able to share some of my experiences with whoever would like to read them, so I will try and update as much as possible once I get there.

Peace & Prayers,

Nemo

p.s. For any of you who have not heard of Covecrest, here are a few pictures:

This must have been taken in the morning, with the fog hovering over the pond

Down the aisle of the chapel

I absolutely love this crucifix

The famous mud pit; this is me & my good friend Kyle in 2008

What If?

I think I play the "what if?" game too much.

What if I'm studying the wrong thing in school? What if I still lived in Chicago? What if I wasn't Catholic? What if I didn't date the last guy that I did? What if I did date the last guy I was planning/wanting to? What if I had continued playing soccer instead of switching to basketball? What if I'm not called to be a mother? What if I'm a bad mother? What if I looked different? What if I weighed less? What if I had never met my best friends? What if I had tried harder to keep all the best friends I had in high school? What if I don't get a job after I graduate? What if I went to a different college? What if I get in a car accident tomorrow? I could go on forever... literally.

I was pondering some of these questions as I was driving around today with a five year old in the back seat. She was sleeping, and though she looked a little uncomfortable, she looked content. She trusted me as a driver, that I would make good decisions as I transported her from one place to another. She trusted me as a person, her babysitter, to keep her out of harm. She trusts me as a friend, someone to look up to.

I imagined myself sitting in the back seat of a car that God was driving. We were traveling down a road, the path of my life. In the rear view mirror were things from my past, birthdays and camps and lots of good memories. Out the window was my family, my friends, my school, my church: the present. As He drove, there were signs for things coming up in my life: Covecrest, Tiger Awakening 52, football season. There was a map in the passenger's seat. I couldn't see where we were going, but I was clearly along for the ride. I was the passenger in the back seat, completely trusting the One who was driving.

This metaphor has resonated with me, being content in the back seat while God takes control. He knows where I'm going, who I'm going to meet, and what I'm going to accomplish; these are things I don't know. And I need to be okay with that. I've always kind of known, but not really wanted to admit, that I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to know what's going on, who's doing what, and why. It's hard for me to completely trust that my life is going to work out according to plan. That is, His plan. The other thing that I struggle with is the fact that things aren't always going to go my way. I found that out last summer when I wasn't selected to be on Summer Staff at camp, this spring when someone didn't want to date me, and I'm 100% certain it will happen again in the future. I have to keep reminding myself that there are reasons for all of these things. They are the factors that are shaping me for things in the future, that I don't know about. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. This has always been my favorite saying.

If I had never moved to Houston, I probably wouldn't have gotten involved in Life Teen, gone to Covecrest, and met some pretty awesome people. I probably wouldn't be at LSU right now and completely in love with it. If I hadn't played basketball, I wouldn't have learned some of the lessons I did from my amazing coach or gotten to know my teammates... Everything happens for a reason. Each choice I make in life, or outcomes in situations I have no control over, happen because that's how God planned. Even though I may not be comfortable with it now, He is in control. Maybe one day I'll understand why I had to hurt so much. Maybe I won't. But I know that as I continue to grow and eventually get old, I will be the person I am because of all these little things that are happening to me now. I may continue to wonder "what if"..., but I will stop asking why, because I already know: HE IS IN CONTROL.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' " -Jeremiah 29:11